April 15, 2019
Be Your Own Parent
I was born in a small city, in a small state, in a very small corner of the northeastern part of the United States. It’s not by chance I was birthed on the threshold of winter to spring but by my soul’s very deliberate attempt to find the most physically descriptive foretelling of my adolescence into adulthood personality. To survive meant to be invisible and larger than the beasts in front of you at the same time. What does it mean to be seen and not heard? How can one be so deliberately (yet silently) so loud? To take up space without making a peep until you get pushed too far or are so wounded, you scream or lash out because no one taught you healthy boundaries, or how to communicate what you actually need. So you go off and you figure out how to get what you have to, to survive. You mask your discomfort with bravado and breathe in so deeply, that you suck back the tears into the recesses of your vision. Sometimes one may slip out and you say, “Oh I’m fine, just got something in my eye”.
The idea of death fascinated me as a kid. Often times I made up elaborate stories of how I would die, and what my funeral would be like. I would act them out with my Strawberry Shortcake dolls the way I would see them depicted in the daytime soap operas I would watch with my Grandmother. If any adult actually knew how much I pondered these things they for sure would have had me committed to a mental facility. I also fantasized about that too. It would have probably been more peaceful than my home environment. My Mother’s abuse was constant. From an early age, I got accustomed to leaving my body. It became a necessary mental health escape tactic. So how do you ever get over this kind of trauma? Years of facing and unpacking it helps. As I get older and through the layers, it begins to get further away, but those dark thoughts seem to creep in occasionally. It never occurred to me that you change your lot in life. Even though I had taken many leaps of faith and by chance, truly believed in magic, and made choices that definitely saved my life. The concept of making your experience in this body different didn’t really sink in till around 36 years old. I’m 42 now.
It’s also important for you to know that I no longer view myself as a victim. It doesn’t mean that I’m not hurt by my Mother or other abusers behavior. I just understand their circumstance more now and have a bigger picture. As a woman who now knows her empath abilities, I can now see how that 8-year-old girl took on the pain and confusion of everyone around her and owned it as her own (especially her Mother’s). That the pain and desire to not be there or exist was a deeply empathic mirror of her own Mother’s harsh reality of not wanting to be in this earthly body.
Can I ever find a way to forgive her or anyone else that has hurt me, completely? Maybe someday, anything is possible. Selfishly I hope so because the resentment is a heavy burden to carry, and it certainly doesn’t move me to greatness holding onto it. It anchors me to an outdated belief in my existence. It blocks my magic and limits my resources, ie; my connection to spirit. Until then I choose to work on it. Asking for peace, forgiveness, and help with healing and filling this giant hole in my heart. I invite in Magic to intervene and hold space for me, or at least grant me the wisdom to not put garbage expectations or low vibe relationships in it to fill the serendipitous void or replay the scenario with different people playing the part.
So many healers I know, have had to fine-tune their senses to survival mode. Whether they grew up in feral environments, had traumatic experiences, or just felt challenged by the day to day task of shutting down how incredibly aware they were of the weight of the world around them. Some have developed wonderful personas that will fight to the death for others, to keep them in front of the pack, while the little being inside just wants to be told it’s going to be ok, and that they can relax and are supported. They will use carefully crafted words and well-branded dispositions that show you how to show up for yourself. Meanwhile, another feeling is bubbling up under the strong facade. I think a lot of magical people walk this contradiction. We have had to in order to survive.
So if you didn’t get the ideal relationship with your parents or guardians, or life isn’t exactly as you imagined it to be. I highly recommend learning how to reparent yourself. Doing so empowers you by taking charge of how you care for you and how you would like to be cared for. You have the ability to change your perspective. You have the ability to show the world how you should be treated. It may feel unlikely, but I promise it is possible. It won’t be overnight but it will and can change your life. Get help with this process if you are to embark on it. Connection and communication are key tools on this journey. Mother yourself by allowing self-care and proper nourishment of body, mind, and spirit. Father yourself by allowing yourself to receive the gifts of love and spirit to come to you with grace. Protect your inner child and give them words of comfort, encouragement, and support daily. Stop the shaming process of wanting to be fixed or healed already. These things take time, and the process requires patience. There is no spell to erase these wounds from your memory. It is my wish that if you are reading this, and it resonates with you, that you find more love, more balance, more harmony, and an all-access pass to love without limits. It can be challenging but you are supported. Also If I can do it, so can you!